Peace

I hesitate to even do this post because I don't want anyone to think I've gone through something even close to the really tough times everyone else seems to deal with. And I'm really bad at explaining myself but oh well. I am quite the wimp and when I pray to learn something a little better, like trying to decide what's most important every day, my prayer kind of goes like this--"Please help me to learn to make more of each day but don't let anything bad happen to me to make me learn it, just let it drop into my head from the sky..." I don't think things work like that. You have to go through stuff. This weird illness or whatever is going on with me healthwise has been one of those small challenges. At first I just went to the doctor because I was tired of feeling so weird I couldn't really workout. I don't think I blogged about my fall off the treadmill. It was just before I decided to go to the doctor finally and I'm still not sure what happened. I thought I just misstepped, but I don't remember falling exactly so anyway, long story short, I ended up with this heart monitor thing. Then I found out from the doctors that my heart has these 3 second pauses occasionally, but mostly when I'm sleeping which isn't a big deal I guess. I had to wear that heart monitor for a month and with a week and a half to go, I just about couldn't take it anymore. Anytime it went off, I would sit there and wonder if my heart had just stopped. I had already had one reading that made the doctor send me to the ER (although that was dumb because it was a reading from 2 days previous). I started to wonder if I was going to go to bed and not wake up in the morning. And let me tell you, that makes it really hard to fall asleep. Once when I was so exhausted from all the moving, etc. I was about to fall asleep and the dumb thing went off twice in a row and I sat straight up in bed determined to keep my heart going. I ended up just sobbing because I was so afraid I was going to die. This was probably all completely ridiculous but what really matters is that I thought it. I just couldn't imagine leaving my family yet. I know the prophets and apostles have said you can't feel fear and have faith at the same time which I think is true but you can go on a little roller coaster with it. At least I can. I could feel peace one minute and be terrified the next. I have a hard time making the peaceful feeling stick. The thing that just kept coming to me was that it was time to stop wasting my time with the unimportant and focus on what is important and just forget about myself. I was so worried I wasn't going to make it through the Cub Daycamp last week because I had been having such awful dizzy spells but I was determined to try and although I did feel like I was going to faint a few times, once that passed, I just trucked on. And it was worth it, because it felt good to be helping someone else out. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, I just want to remember that "forget yourself and get to work" really does wonders. I managed to take a few pictures during the past month or so that I really like and they make me feel peaceful so I thought I'd put them here.