Dodo birds aren't so extinct

I have become the worst flyer in the world and I'm not sure how this happened. I remember in my earlier years thinking it was fun to fly and looking forward with great excitement to my free peanuts and soda. It's been over 5 years since I've flown anywhere (and that was to get kidney stones blasted in Anchorage while we were living in Fairbanks--obviously a leisure trip). So this past week I decided to fly in to Nashville and meet up with my mom and sister and drive into Clarksville/Ft. Campbell to check out the area and do some house hunting. I realized at the last minute that the idea of flying has become terrifying to me and I really didn't want to go anymore but plane tickets (especially Priceline ones) aren't very refundable. So I had to go. The first plane I had to get on going from Tucson to Atlanta had mechanical problems with the door so we were an hour late leaving (so I missed my connection, blah, blah). I flew Delta the whole way which my dad says stands for Doesn't-Ever-Leave-The-Airport. Anyway, once we were finally boarding, I step through the plane door and see the pilot standing there making himself an alcoholic drink. I'm thinking, ok, all the planes that crash have mechanical problems before leaving the ground so check off that box. Now our pilot is getting drunk (because he knows we are going to die too) so check off that box too. As the plane takes off from the ground, a couple sitting next to me clasps their hands together tightly and since the guy was next to me with his wife on the other side, I was VERY tempted to ask if I could hold his other hand but I restrained myself. I really could have used it though. About half an hour goes by and the plane is still climbing and I see the pilot up front with his drink in his hand NOT flying the plane. I'm about to faint at this point and then it dawns on me, that the guy is not the pilot--he's a steward. I forgot guys could have that job too. That's what I get for being a sexist. So the drinking pilot turns out to be the first class steward and I'm an idiot. I would have chuckled to myself but vomit might have gotten involved, so again I restrained myself. Anyway, you don't want to hear about the 3 other planes I had to catch or the fact that I got worse instead of better. I just wanted to scream at the people on the planes that seemed so nonchalant--don't you know you are about to DIE?! I think tranquilizers are in order next time. Or at least a friend to fly with.